The Bucket Digest

  I keep a pair of ugly hospital pants in the bottom drawer of my dresser to remind me of that day- the worst day.  I should trash them, but I can't help but hold on to the memory they belong to.  I think back to that time often-  The fear, the hope, the helplessness, the heartbreak.  Losing a child is a feeling like no other- even when that child didn't resemble anything human- it was only a small pile of flesh with black eyes when it left my womb- but it was a child nonetheless. My child .  There are people who suggest, people who simply state, "have another one."  Words sting.  I did have another child. A healthy beautiful boy, who grows stronger and bigger by the day, my rainbow, the third... or rather fourth of my offspring- But those people- they don't understand the pain that still lingers- the blame I put on myself, "maybe if I didn't stress so much...maybe if I had known I was pregnant sooner."   But what hurts most is not knowing.  Not know

  Photo: https://unsplash.com/photos/2xCPwc7UhAs T o Have a Friend Written by Andrea Geones at Words Between Coasts. Unconditional love. A beautiful sentiment. The highest moral value. Those for whom you care, loving them with every inch of your body, every beat of your heart, forgiving them every sin, for all their sins. A one-way street, finding contentment and solace in knowing that you love them for everything that they are, without anything expected in return.  Not expecting love in return. Instead, pouring everything you have into making sure they know they are loved, staying by their side through everything, letting them know that you will never let them go. Making sure they understand that they can crumple up all of their trust and faith, no matter how damaged, how injured, into one messy, disorganized ball and placing it into the seemingly bottomless pit of love in your heart, in your life organ that’s pumping blood through your body. Without realizing that it’s poisoning the

  For as long as I can remember, I've been a people pleaser.  Now, that doesn't mean I did whatever anyone asks-there were some exceptions- but I did on many occasions inconvenience myself in order to appease all party's involved.  What do I mean by inconveniencing myself? Here are a couple examples: (1) Playing the Middle Man. I hate conflict. Always have, always will. Most disguise conflict as "discussion," but when voices are being raised and tension is building-- the air gets foul. So, what do I do? I inconvenience myself and overstep my personal boundaries to resolve the problem.  This springs from my childhood, as my father and mother, or my sister and father, or my brother and stepfather were always on edge with one another... and I just wanted everyone to get along. But here's the reality, NOT EVERYONE IS GOING TO GET ALONG ALL THE TIME, and that's OKAY.  Hell, I don't get along with everyone all the time either... but even then I don't exa